First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
