Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
