I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
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He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
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You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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