Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
And then he peed in my hair
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