My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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