u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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