She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
