My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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