Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
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She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
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Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
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