Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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