Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
