it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
