too bad you live with your parents still
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Randomize
