On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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