nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?