drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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