thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
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