Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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