What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
The feeling are messing with the penis
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Randomize
