Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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