the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
