I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
