i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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