When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
