I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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