I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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