Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
