So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
