Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
