...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
