Your tits are I can't wait for
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
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It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
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