i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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