Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Randomize
