I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
