her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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