Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
