god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
