I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
