You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
