I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I will pee on everything he values.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
