honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
