Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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