Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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