I think I just saw someone hide a body.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
not ubering you a puppy
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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