so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
