I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
