Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
