I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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