I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
