He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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