For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You are a genius and a whore.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
