my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
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The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
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The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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