I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
