We won't sleep together?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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