I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
