Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
