where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
