a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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