is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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