I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
